Muscatine

• Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
• Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
• Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
• Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
• California: As Seen on TV
• Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
• Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
• Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
• Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
• Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
• Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
• Idaho: Potatoes and Neo-Nazi's . . . What More Could You Ask For?
• Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
• Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal-Wave Free
• Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
• Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean S#*@
• Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
• Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
• Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
• Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
• Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
• Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
• Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
• Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
• Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
• Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and VeryLittle
  Else
• Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• Nevada: Whores and Poker!
• New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
• New Jersey:
  You Want a ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
• New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
• New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney . . .
• North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
• North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!
• Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
• Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
• Oregon: Spotted Owl . . . It's What's For Dinner
• Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
• Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
• South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender!
• South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
• Tennessee: The Educashun State
• Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les(Yes, I speak English)
• Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
• Vermont: Yep
• Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
• Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
• Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
• West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
• Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
• Wyoming: Where Men Are Men And Sheep Are Nervous

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
8. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Feeling Low

• If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
• Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
• Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
• A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?