Things Cats Should Remember
Meow! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my
human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out,
squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.
If I'm trying to hide behind the window shade so no one will see me
(and I'm all clever for hiding behind the window shade, ya know) I
shouldn't let my tail hang down.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am
disturbed.
The Human males privates are NOT a mouse hiding in his underpants while he sleeps.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up
and walk away without the slightest hint of a care. (thanks to Vic)
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay
there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him
constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished
watching ''The X-Files''.
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are
not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in
groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting
bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall
and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a
piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will
not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse
is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.
Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
Meow! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.
Leaping from the very top of the condo onto the curtain rod makes my
human very annoyed with me. If I do it, I will get a time out,
squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at.
If I'm trying to hide behind the window shade so no one will see me
(and I'm all clever for hiding behind the window shade, ya know) I
shouldn't let my tail hang down.
I must perfect a death stare to give my human every time I am
disturbed.
The Human males privates are NOT a mouse hiding in his underpants while he sleeps.
If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again I must stand up
and walk away without the slightest hint of a care. (thanks to Vic)
I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase leaves.
If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay
there until I get hungry.
The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him
constantly.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished
watching ''The X-Files''.
Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are
not cat toys.
If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in
groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting
bits of it all over the floor.
I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall
and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a
piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will
not freak out every time I see it.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse
is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it
isn't as tasty.
Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
