Enjoy the Daffodils & the life lessons

Posted in: NAP- Neighborhood Alliance of Pawtucket
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Heard about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 
 
I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.
 
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
 
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
 
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
 
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
 
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
 
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in a New York police station have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off !
 
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
 
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
 
Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.
When chemists die, they barium.
 
May all your 'journeys have the spirits of our roundtable with you!!
           ><../'/_/ KingArthur/_//<>
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http://www.staged.com/video?v=4Vkc for the Egg Trick with Johnny Carson & Dom Deluise which will bring a real smile

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Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

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When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .

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If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth.

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If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.

When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

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Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

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Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

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The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

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Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
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People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

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The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

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Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

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Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

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The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean,

but rather the echo of the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

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Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

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Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

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If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

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The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

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The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

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Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

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Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

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A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

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Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

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For every extra pound carried on a space flight, 530 pounds of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

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The University of Alaska spans four time zones

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

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Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

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The percentage of  Africa that is wilderness: 28%  (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

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The San Francisco Cable Cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

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The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

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It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

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Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

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In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

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Soldiers do not march in step when going across small bridges because they could set up a vibration

which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson.

Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

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Q.   Most boat owners name their boats.  What is the most popular boat name requested?
A.   Obsession

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Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

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Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

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Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A.  One thousand

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111,111,111   x   111,111,111     =    12,345,678,987, 654,321
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.

Hence the phrase ... 'Goodnight , sleep tight'

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The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

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In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,

the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,

this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

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To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.
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Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

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The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

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Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

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The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in a new year.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts ...

So in old England , when customers got unruly,

the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'  . . .
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked

into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.

When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service.

'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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And last but not least:

In 2012, December has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING

IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,

is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

“Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!" (Unknown Author)

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