Wow, professor. This explains a lot. You are truly a man of knowledge, who has undoubtedly devoted his life to climbing to the top of the educational pyramid in northern Iowa.
Muscatine
Memories of the 4th.
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Ah yes, when I was just a young professor at at the community college, we celebrated the 4th with a nice latte and a hot tub, good conversation, my pipe, and the occasional reefer. It was during this time that my brother Dave suffered his debilitating injury. Got his foot stuck in the hot tub jet. His girl friend Mallory, being much larger and stronger than poor Dave, yanked on his until his foot was freed, but alas, it also cause that dastardly foot injury that causes him to continually lean to the left. The poor wretch has a devil of a time finding those shoe lifts to keep his on the straight and narrow. Always to the left.
Of course the incident damaged the psyche of poor Mallory beyond repair. They did marry of course, but her weight issues ballooned out of control. Other than the occasional employment by Macy's as a stand-by Thanksgiving day balloon and the obvious circus gigs, there just aren't that many jobs out there for her. We at the college have sponsored many fundraisers, but the locals just plain don't like her very much. She's really quite pleasant once you get by the spaghetti stains, but continues to also lean left on Dave's behalf. I assume it makes him feel a bit more wanted.
We in the world of academia wish you all an explosive 4th.
Your friend,
Professor Joe
Perfect!
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Ah yes, when I was just a young professor at at the community college, we celebrated the 4th with a nice latte and a hot tub, good conversation, my pipe, and the occasional reefer. It was during this time that my brother Dave suffered his debilitating injury. Got his foot stuck in the hot tub jet. His girl friend Mallory, being much larger and stronger than poor Dave, yanked on his until his foot was freed, but alas, it also cause that dastardly foot injury that causes him to continually lean to the left. The poor wretch has a devil of a time finding those shoe lifts to keep his on the straight and narrow. Always to the left.
Of course the incident damaged the psyche of poor Mallory beyond repair. They did marry of course, but her weight issues ballooned out of control. Other than the occasional employment by Macy's as a stand-by Thanksgiving day balloon and the obvious circus gigs, there just aren't that many jobs out there for her. We at the college have sponsored many fundraisers, but the locals just plain don't like her very much. She's really quite pleasant once you get by the spaghetti stains, but continues to also lean left on Dave's behalf. I assume it makes him feel a bit more wanted.
We in the world of academia wish you all an explosive 4th.
Your friend,
Professor Joe
Perfect!
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Friends,
Our dear Mallory in all of her magnanimous pulchritude, is lately afflicted with a common malady of the huge. It is a medical condition known as "teenyfeety", where the foot region of the affected appears to the naked eye to be quite small, even miniature in some cases. Some famous cases that are familiar to even those among us who are not outlandishly educated and wise are Michael Moore, Barney Frank, Captain Kangaroo, Santa Claus, Ted Kennedy, and Tonga, the circus fat-boy. Mallory's case is further exacerbated by her natural tendency to lean to the left, explained an earlier post. She has in fact been asked to move closer to the equator with hopes that the earth will not be thrown off of its axis of orbit by her and the aforementioned Mr. Moore both living in the northern hemisphere.
We at the college continue to research this terrible disease and all of its manifestations. Wal-Mart has made a generous 12 dollar contribution to get the ball rolling, and Dunkin Donuts is expected to chip in the same.
Your Friend, Professor Joe. |
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