About Grits:
> I met a fellow from the Midwest who liked to tell the story of his introduction
> to grits. He said
> his
> first morning at the hotel
> coffee shop he ordered eggs over easy, with ham, toast and
> coffee.
> The waitress brought him his eggs and ham as ordered, but
> there were biscuits
> and some funny looking white stuff he had never
> seen. He liked the biscuits, but the white stuff
> was bland and
> strange to his taste. He ordered the same thing the next day and said the
> biscuits
> were okay but leave off the 'white stuff.' His order came as
> requested, but again with the 'white stuff'
> on his
> plate. After several days of this, he was adamant with the waitress who
> was a white lady,
> 35-40, and wiry, that he did not want that 'white
> stuff.' When she brought his breakfast, she roughly
> put the
> plate before him with the 'white stuff' again along with his order and looked
> him straight
> in the eye and said, 'This 'white stuff'
> is called GRITS, and you can either learn to eat them
> or get your Yankee-A$$
> back where you came from!' She turned and walked away.
> He said he ate
> them out of fear of what would incur if he did not comply, and ate grits
> happily
> ever after. Bruce is no longer with us, but
> that rough ole cowboy from Nebraska learned to cook
> and eat grits. Every time he visited me, he insisted on cooking
> them and telling me this story.
>
> What Is Grits?
> Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and
> are
> harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets
> around
> them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground-up bits of
> white
> corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and
> terrorists.
> Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. The most recent
> research
> suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the
> Israelites
> during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.
> Critics
> disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt,
> and red
> eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish
> his
> people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key
> ingredients.
>
> How Grits are Formed:
> Grits are formed deep underground under
> intense heat and pressure. It
> takes over 1000 years to form a single
> Grit. Most of the world's grit mines
> are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and
> night by armed guards and
> pit bull dogs.
> Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit
> miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be
> served morning
> after morning for breakfast (not that having
> Grits for lunch and dinner is out of
> the question).
> Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call
> them
> Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key
> ingredients of Cream of Wheat
> are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These
> synthetic grits have also
> been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you
> unable to have children.
>
> Historical Grits:
> As we mentioned earlier, the first known
> mention of the Grits was by the
> Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After
> that, the Grits was not heard
> from for anothe r 1,000 years. Experts feel
> that the Grits was used during
> this time only during secret religious
> ceremonies and was kept from the
> public due to its rarity. The next mention
> of the Grits was found amidst
> the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a
> woman's personal diary. The
> woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt
> Jemima to her friends.)
>
> The 10 Commandments of Grits:
> I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
>
> II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
> III. Thou shalt
> not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is
> blasphemy
> IV.
> Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
> V. Thou shalt use only Salt,
> Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy
> Grits
> VI.
> Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
> VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on
> thy Grits
> VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
>
> IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made
> from
> scratch
> X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is
> manna from heaven.
>
> How to Cook Grits for one serving:
> Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and
> a little butter.
> Add 5 TBL of Grits.
> Reduce to a simmer and
> allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
> When a pencil stuck into the
> grits stands alone, it is done.
> That's all there is to cooking
> grits.
>
> How to
> make red eye gravy:
> Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan.
> Remove
> the ham when done, add coffee to the gravy
>
> and simmer for several minutes.
> Great on grits and
> biscuits.
>
> How to Eat Grits:
> Immediately after removing your grits from the stove
> top, add a generous
> portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT
> use low-fat butter.)
> The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous
> shade of yellow.
> (Hold a banana or a
> yellow rain slicker next to your Grits. If the colors match,
> you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter, pour a
> generous helping of red
> eye gravy on your
> grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for
> sopping up with your
> biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought
> biscuits for the real
> thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and
> impotence. Next, add
> salt. (NOTICE: The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is
> 10:1. Therefore, for
> every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
> Now begin eating
> your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat
> Grits. Your grits should
> be thick enough so they do not run through the
> tines of the fork. The correct
> beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.
> DO NOT use cream or, heaven
> forbid, Skim Milk. Your grits should never be
> eaten in a bowl because Yankees
> will think it's Cream of Wheat.
>
> Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
> (Leftover grits are extremely
> rare)
> Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
>
> Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
> The Grits will
> congeal into a gelatinous mass.
> Nex t morning, slice the Grits
> into squares and fry them
> in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they
> turn a golden brown.
> Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto
> Grits served this way.
> This is, of course,
> unacceptable.
>
> IRISH
> BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS:
> May the lord bless these grits. May no Yankee ever get the
> recipe.
> May I
> eat grits every day while living. And may I die while eating
> grits.
> AMEN
