Muscatine

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice.
We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer
said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
that tree'

'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated,
'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the stretch limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass
is almost a foot high

  THE WEDDING TEST   I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.   My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when
she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.   One
day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.   Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me.'   I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!   With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

==========================

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas U.S.A.  doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We
took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House and now
half the country is looking for work.'

*'Hey Dad' asked one of my kids asked the other day, 'What was your favorite
fast food when you were growing up? **'** 'We didn't have fast food when I
was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'* *

**'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat ?'**

**'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day
and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room
table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit
there until I did like it.'

**By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:
**
**Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at **Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way,
there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. **
**
**My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds,
and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house
until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course,
black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the
screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was
green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs
that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.
Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look
larger.*

*I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the
best pizza I ever had.

**We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our
family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.'

**I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the
line. **
**
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

**All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I
delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I
got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at **4 AM every morning.. On Saturday,
I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were
the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least
favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection
day.
**
**Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

**If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.. Just
don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
**
**Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
**
**MEMORIES from a friend:* *
**
**My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and
he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a
stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or
something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board
to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old. **
**
**How many do you remember?**
**
**Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.**
**Ignition switches on the dashboard.
**Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. **
**Real ice boxes
**Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. **
**Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
**Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. **
**
**Older Than Dirt Quiz:*

*Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about!
Your ratings at the bottom. *

*
**1. Blackjack chewing gum
**2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water **
**3. Candy cigarettes
**4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
**5. Coffee shops or diners with table side juke** boxes
6** Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
**7. Party lines
**8. Newsreels before the movie**
**9. P.F. Flyers
**10. Butch wax**
**11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)* *
**12. Peashooters**
13. Howdy Doody** **
**14. 45 RPM records**
**15. S&H Green Stamps
**16 Hi-fi's
**17. Metal ice trays with lever
**18. Mimeograph paper
**19 Blue flashbulb
**20. Packards**
**21. Roller skate keys**
**22. **Cork popguns
**23. Drive-ins* *
**24.** Studebakers
**25. Wash tub wringers** **
**
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt! **

**I might be older than dirt but those memories are the** **best** part of
my life.**

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really** **OLD** friends....** *

*
**'Senility Prayer'...God grant me..
The senility to forget the people I never liked;
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.'** *