Muscatine

How can we go wrong-

Miscellaneous Hillary Trivia:

Hillary wrote ''Stairway to Heaven'' and many other popular songs of the 60s and 70s.
On moonless nights Hillary puts on a Ninja costume and goes out to help the people, by taking away from the rich and giving to the poor.
Everything that Hillary touches becomes a registered Democrat voter.
When Hillary was younger she used to baby-sit children of Mexican day laborers. All of those children later became Nobel Prize laureates.
Once Hillary invented a car that ran on 100% proof pixie juice and emitted oxygen combined with Omega-3 vitamins and minerals. It was stolen by oil companies and buried under 30 feet of concrete underneath a suburban Wal-Mart.
Hillary remembers every common American's name and social security number.
Every time Hillary speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases falls by 58%, and the risk of cancer falls by 60% nationwide.
Every time Hillary smiles, a new abortion clinic opens its doors in America.
When Hillary cackles, terminally ill patients become Democrat voters.
When Hillary stomps her foot in rage, Iran suffers an earthquake and Indonesia is flooded with tsunami.
Saying Hillary's name 50 times in a row increases the Common Good in the universe by 0.1 percent.
In the movies, Hillary's part is usually played by her twin brother Chuck Norris.

I'm awestruck-

Hillary Clinton has long been considered a favorite American folk hero. She was the largest, smartest, and strongest baby ever born in the state of Illinois. It took five giant storks, working overtime, to deliver her to her parents. Three hours after her birth Hillary was reported to weigh a full eighty pounds and they used a lumber wagon drawn by a team of oxen as a baby carriage. When she was old enough to clap and laugh, the vibration broke every window in the house.

My heroine-

''Hillary's role in American folklore is the stuff of legend,'' says an independent voter who only identified himself as Comrade Otis. ''This woman is amazing. I'm of a generation that grew up long ago but none of my generation can ever forget her as the inventor and captain of the hot air windwagon prairie schooner. Long before there were trains and long before there were even freeways and automobiles Hillary made the country better and more secure when she plied the flatlands, bringing the mail and commerce from shore to shore in her land-schooner. One remarkable woman.''

History 101-

A Condensed Version of History

For those who slept through World History 101...... here is a condensed version.


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.


The two most important events in all of history were:


1. The invention of beer, and


2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.


These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:


1. Liberals


2. Conservatives.


Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.


Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.


Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.



Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.


Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.


Here ends today's lesson in world history.......


It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.


A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to tic them off.


Have a great day